Better go with "Things that will probably Suck in 2008." It might be quite a list. Hence, why I've been thinking about this story so long. First, I was going to send out a lengthy look at all the stories in 07 - the good, the bad, and the Larry Craig. And I realized that Time Magazine has an entire issue devoted to top 10 lists. Guess they're taking advantage of Letterman's hiatus due to the Writer's strike? So I decided to do something different. To look forward, into the future - those things that I'm excited to be talking about, writing about and doing in the new year. Those things to which I look forward to. Which was - well, not a whole hell of a lot.
Instead, I thought about the stuff I'm supposed to be excited about - and it occurred to me that more than half of it will actually just suck. For instance:
1) The Election 2008Part 1a) The Primaries - Unless there's a Howard Dean styled meltdown - how can primaries '08 galvanize the voting public? Sure, there's
superdupermother primary on Tuesday, but if it isn't decided who the front runners will be by then, I'll be very surprised. Let's put it another way, if it's a surprise, I'll actually
be surprised. Until that happens, Inevitability vs Inevitability will be the two boring ass choices brought up to the teleprompter to b.s. us out of our votes.
Part 1b) The Convention - before I was born, the Conventions ceased to matter. Why either party decides to pretend to decide their candidate and drop 8 million balloons on various delegates from around the 50 states still astounds me. Hell, even when the Conventions did matter, why the hell were the delegates forced to train in to whatever city happened to draw the short straw? It was all decided by ten men in a smoke filled room anyways, right? The Conventions will be nothing more than a ballroom full of idiots in stupid hats and bad
hairdoos. Actually, the Republicans will have the edge on that picture - but not by a whole lot. And the media will be there 'reporting' as if any of this garbage will actually mean anything to anyone.
Part 1 c) The General Election. What a pain in my ass. It's already been pretty boring. I've been picking at a rotting carcass already in '07 - and the prospect of Rudy and Hillary re-hashing the NY Senate race on a national/world stage... well, I've been predicting was going to happen, when they were doing it in NY. When these two are the top of the garbage heap, try to act surprised that it happened that way. It's still going to smell like men's room at an airport.
Maybe we'll get lucky, maybe there will be a
Huckabee/
Obama race. There's some excitement for you. Two polarizing figures that will splinter the country right in half, again. But at least it'll be two new faces doing the polarising!
Tickets:
Republican Ticket ’08: Giuliani/
GingrichSecond thought: Giuliani/
HuckabeeDemocratic Ticket ’08: Clinton/Wesley Clark
Second thought: Clinton/Bill Richardson
Part 1 d) The Undecided Voter - I am sick and tired of THIS guy. Give me a break. Get off the toilet and pick the color. Pepsi or Coke. There is no RC. There is no Sprite - well, there is, but you're just wasting your vote. If the Undecided Voter has no opinion, or is on the fence - do me a favor - don't answer the phone when the pollsters call. Okay? Can you do that?
This is the turkey who hasn't figured out how that Caller ID works, and probably has a VCR that still blinks 12:00 too. I know.
A VCR!?!
Consider how much money, energy, newspaper and sweat is wasted on the Undecided Voter? This person is courted by both sides with on the fence by flowery rhetoric and
bullsh*t from both sides to convince them that, if elected, they'll the right schmuck for the job, and the right schmuck for you. Give me a break - they're Undecided... There's no ideology, no thought, and more likely than not, they haven't decided if they're going bother to vote or not too. If this non-judgemental, non-committal person doesn't feel passionately enough that one side is evil, and the other is wrong - but I have to vote to make sure the Supreme Court is stacked in my ideological favor - what the hell is wrong with that person!?! Okay, maybe stacking the Supreme Court isn't good enough for most persons of reason.
Let me funnel it here - you'd think with all the issues out there - that are either right and wrong -- you'd be able to PICK ONE and vote on it? Abortion, taxes, Ira_ War, Terrorism, school lunches, burning the flag, oil dependence from hostile nations, NAFTA, Health Care, China, Social Security fixes, sugar embargo with Cuba, and most importantly - how that last name is going to sound every day when you turn on the news for the next four years "... the _blank__ Administration officials said that the cover up was executive privilege and not against the law as Congress said it was. Investigations are ongoing...."
Clinton losses to any Republican. Obama beats any Republican.
That's the election.
Things that could go wrong in 2008.
PART TWO
or
Cap'n's 2008 Movie Preview!
You know, I'd really like some things to be excited about in the next year. So now I turn to the movies. There could be some real gems out there that I don't know about. But like the election, I know that my expectations will be high, and unrealistic and therefore unattainable. Which means, everything could very well suck.
My list of movies in '08 that I'm excited about, and will be ruined (some how) by suck.
IRON MAN - Morton Downey Jr.?- oh, sorry, that's Robert Downey Jr. - well, Tony Stark is the man he was born to play. I could also see him as Charlie Chaplin for some reason... Iron Man could be great. It's got John Favreau (Swingers, Elf) directing. The suit looks bad ass. The trailer was fantastic. ...but, all Marvel Entertainment film versions, with the exception of Spiderman 2, pretty much - well - they all suck. Daredevil, Fantastic 4, Punisher, Hulk. Yeah, they look pretty - but they're all kind of sucky too. Lets hope this one beats the trend, just for entertainment's sake. Oh, and Iron Man really doesn't have cool villains, but he is quite the boozer.
BATMAN - THE DARK KNIGHT - Here's the six minute trailer from someone's phone. It's a trailer that has been released like a type of "virus" (it was leaked on purpose, gang.) I really want this to be great. It looks great. The re-launch was great. I hope that no one was able to hand Chris Nolan notes to sell more action figures... and after watching the trailer, it doesn't look like the Joker Gang will be selling too well anyway. Heath Ledger as Joker, Brokeback jokes, all that aside... I just pray that it doesn't suck, or turn to suck.
Cloverfield - A monster attacks NY. Filmed in a YouTube - survivor's videos of the thing kind of deal. Produced by J.J. Abrams of Lost... and Felicity, and Mission Impossible 3... that's a mixed bag. J.J. is great at hyping a thing, not 100% with delivering a thing. If anything, the concept is interesting. There are rumors and speculation that the monster is a H.P. Lovecraft Call of Cthulhu inspired deal. Or not. So that could mean high concept art that needs explainin', or no explainin' just special effects? Or just shaky web cam crap on a giant big screen. Could suck real bad. I'll wait to see Ebert & Roper before I call Fandango on this one.
Semi-Pro - Another Will Ferrell sports thing. Basketball and sideburns this time. Same script as his other 3 sports movies.
Speed Racer - The Team Wachowski Brother and Sister make a CGI Speed Racer film with Emiel Hirsch (Into The Wild) as Speed, Christina Ricci (Black Snake Moan) as Trixie, and John Goodman (Big Liebowski) as Pops. I've had this feeling about a movie before - it's exactly like the time I found out that Tim Burton was remaking Planet of the Apes. Immediate feelings were: Why?! How come!? Does he really need the money? Why!? and Why?! Total suck factor expected to be in the 9's.
Get Smart - Steve Carell puts on Don Adam's shoe. It won't fit. I don't know why, it just won't. Okay, I do know why. Mel Brooks is handing out his old work for paychecks, and Buck Henry hasn't written anything funny since Catch 22. That is, if you count Catch 22 as 'funny'?
Hellboy II - Did you see Hellboy I? Kind of Meh, right? Are you going to see Hellboy II? Meh. Yeah, I like Ron Pearlman too. Still. Kind of Meh.
There's an Indiana Jones movie, another Harry Potter, James Bond 22, and probably a bunch of Merchant Ivory things that will be sold as 'important'. But those are franchise pictures that will be, or should be, identical to the others that were before them - Predictable. That's why they pay those guys so much, and why we keep going.
Be looking for part Three - TV - and Part IV - Olympics when I get around to it.
Things that could go wrong in 2008.
PART THREE
or
Cap'n's 2008 TV Preview!
Why am I such a cynical *sshole? Because I'm constantly disappointed by things around me. And I'm a member of Gen X, which means I'm so jaded and cynical that my entire generation is just a vague description. So my Television expectations for the next year are hardly going to live up to what I have built them up to be in my head. I'm hardly watching TV now, and I have 18 billion channels, and they're in HD too. I even have the NFL Network - which apparently no one else has. To start this list off right, it should be mentioned that the WGA Strike is going on for a lot longer than anyone (except me) predicted. So anything that follows is my 'best guess' for shows I want to watch in the new year - which might actually air in 2009. With that caveat in place let's set sail for fail.
1) Lost - this show continues to hold my attention since I'm able to predict what's going to happen - but only for that ONE episode, and only when I'm actually watching it. It's just that good. And the season cliffhanger really threw me for a loop. Creatively, I can't wait to see what or how they're going to get out of that painted-corner writer thing they're doing. So OF COURSE it's going to be another year before ABC airs it. Of course it's going to take another year for them to get through the second 8 episodes, and then possibly longer for that because of the aforementioned strike. Which, here lies the suck. Waiting forever for your show to be on, and that taking so long, you forgot all the little details that makes the show good in the first place. And you really need to know ALL those hidden little mentions, visual cues, and bullsh*t to make the show good and watchable. I have often found myself trying to explain the show to someone who hasn't seen it, and I feel like a total jackass for watching the show. The other person tilts their head much like the way a dog looks at you when you do something stupid. Eh, the chicks are usually really hot and sweaty.
2) Battlestar Galactica - Yeah, geek show #2. I can't convince you this has been the best show on TV (other than Sunday Night Football in America) for the last couple years. But it is. So there. But they're probably going to eff this up and put it in the realm of suck. Last season kind of sucked, but not super suck OMG why am I watching this. It was more of a, hey you guys are really entertaining, but you were doing a better job of it last year. When/if this final season airs, there's a chance that they'll end the show in a real 'surprise' and have them meet up with the original 1979 Battlestar hovering over Galactica Earth 1980 -- which would be funny, but a real kick in the balls for watching all those hours of TV.
3) Heroes - There were only a couple episodes this 'season' and they were pretty bad. It was obvious they were either rushing to beat the strike - or their best writers already left the show to try making some other, even dorkier TV show that will be doomed to fail. This would be the Simpsons effect that I might have mentioned earlier in the year. So will this show continue to entice my one hour of down time at the end of the day? Hard to say, but it was better than last year's 24 - and that's why I was watching it in the first place.
4) 24 - This year Jack has to save Washington DC - and Genneane Geraphalo is in it, for some reason. I guess they need to hit that liberal audience this year? Well, 24 last year was so bad I stopped watching. Can it get worse. Oh, by a lot, I reckon.
5) Futurama - I refuse to buy the DVD that just came out. It was canceled for a reason folks. It wasn't really any good. Math jokes aren't funny to anyone. Even statisticians didn't watch the show. Bender never lived up to the Homer expectation, and Fry, well - Fry is... not... that... funny. So when they re-run the DVD into segments on Comedy Central - I might TiVo it, but I'm expecting suck and fail. If you have seen the DVD and would care to tell me why it's not full of suck and fail - please see the comments button.
6) The Olympics - Ugggh.... do not want. This is going to be part IV. Stay tuned.
7) Terminator Variety Hour - How is this going to be good? There was a Planet of the Apes and a Logan's Run TV show... they weren't good. Pretty much EVERY TV show adapted from a movie has sucked. Okay, get off the chair Killre - M*A*S*H is the only exception I can think of.
Is the Terminator show going to be of M*A*S*H quality? I think it'll be a lot like Babylon 5. Probably good - but I'll never know cause I never saw it.
Things that could go wrong in 2008.PART FOUR
Random Junk in 'o8
1) Olympics - I know I'm really supposed to be jazzed about the Olympics - but it always sucks and no one counter programs against it. It's usually just hour after hour of the personal struggle story of how athlete 'a' got to China to compete - and then they fail. Hour after hour.
When the hell are the actual events? I can't say I've ever seen a live event in the 18 hour Bob
Costas snooze fest. But, I've never actually cared that much anyway. But I know that Bob talks and likes to talk - so
NBC's got 18 hours covered with Bob. There's a sliver of time in there for a swimming and boxing event, maybe? I don't know. I don't care. Sure it's in China. That's a big deal. Not for me.
2)
Baseball - Is there any possible way that the Mitchell Report won't be discussed? Not really. Or, or - it'll be pushed under the rug and life will go on. Perhaps the sale of the Cubs will change the dynamic of the
NL. Maybe the Dodgers will remember how much fun the late 70's were and try to take on that other league? Who knows? Will it suck? Am I excited about it? No, not really. Maybe I should pick the Kansas City Royals and the DC Nationals to be in the Show - and then I can be excited?
Also, Dusty Baker will decimate the Reds in one season. That's not a prediction, folks. Sorry Cinci.
3)
Technology Related Stuff- Sony’s Blu-ray will consign HD-DVD to a footnote by triumphing in the battle of the next-generation high-definition disc formats. Expect a Blu-ray player for Microsoft’s Xbox 360 in time for Christmas 2008.
- Apple will introduce a new version of the iPhone, with 16GB and a 3G HSDPA antenna. Apple will ink deals to sell the iPhone in more countries in Europe and will also introduce the phone in China.
- Nintendo continues to be cute - and sells more accessories (ala Apple iPod) than actual Wii's. The lack of Wii's will hurt them on Wall Street, but be cooler than plentiful PS3's for the remainder of the year.
4) Celebs - Idiots with cash and little talent will do more stupid things to keep TMZ and Geraldo Rivera in business. Death watch on Lindsy Lohan and Amy Winehouse continues throughout '08.
5) Beer - The price of Hops has increased so much in 2007 that your favorite craft beer will be much more expensive in 2008.
THAT SUCKS! 
